We often hold tension at work, through obligations or around people with whom we do not feel safe showing discomfort. Then we return to a familiar relationship and our defences loosen.

Explanation is not an excuse. If our outbursts hurt someone, responsibility and change are needed. Understanding the pattern, however, can help us intervene earlier.

What is the first sign that tension is rising? Tightness, speed, sarcasm, the need to have the final word? That may be the first place where choice is still available.

Sometimes taking a pause with an agreed return to the conversation is more responsible than continuing until something regrettable is said.